Starting the goals-of-care conversation with your dad early

When you are reading this

He had a small scare last month. Or his friend had a big one. Or you just turned a year older and started thinking about the conversations you have not had.

This is the early version of the goals-of-care conversation. The one where nobody is dying.

Why early is easier

Goals-of-care conversations in hospitals are constrained: by time, by adrenaline, by the fact that the person being asked may already be sick or unable to participate. The same conversation in a kitchen is different. He can take his time. He can change his mind. You can come back to it next month.

The early version is also easier on you. You stop having to guess.

What to actually ask

[Full guide coming. A structure for the conversation worth having before you need it:]

• What does a good day look like for you right now?
• What would have to be true for life to feel not worth living?
• If something bad happened tomorrow, who do you want making decisions for you?
• Have you ever felt like the medical system did too much, or not enough, with someone you knew?
• What do you want me to know that you do not think you have told me?

What to do with the answers

• Write them down. In his words, dated.
• If he has a healthcare proxy or POA, share what he said with the named person.
• If he does not have those documents, schedule a conversation with an attorney to formalize.
• Revisit the conversation every couple of years, or any time something material changes.

Where I come in

I will not have this conversation for you. I will help you frame it, surface the literature on what families wish they had asked, and walk you through the documents that turn the conversation into something the medical system can act on. The conversation is yours. The structure is mine to help with.